How To Talk To Women Without Losing It
Note from Carlos: this is a guest blog about how to talk to women, written by dating guru Carlos Xuma and “directed” (edited) by me. Go ahead Carlos!
Hey, I’ve just got a quick note for you today on a subject that a lot of guys are curious about: how to talk to women.
There’s a lot of cool information I teach you, from routines to openers, conversation bridges, all kinds of great stuff to inject into your interactions with women.
But in almost every single one-on-one coaching (and in hundreds of emails I get every day), one concern stands out more than any other.
It’s usually this: “How do I do this stuff when I’m in-person with a woman? Face to face? I need to know how to talk to women.”
This is what I call the “Real-Time” problem. You can learn a ton of great information off-line, but when you’re in Real-Time, it’s tough to be “on” and creative, isn’t it?
I don’t know if you’ve ever had this problem, but when I was first learning these skills, I’d do a massive amount of preparation, memorizing a bunch of phrases and stuff. This was what I needed to get up the nerve for how to talk to women.
I’d finally get past my approach anxiety and start talking with a woman.
— “Hey, my name is Carlos…”
And after I got the conversation started – WHAM.
I’d get nervous when I couldn’t remember any of the stuff I’d memorized.
— Do I say that thing about “who lies more”? Or do I tease her? What was that great teasing line I thought of the other day…? Uhm… Ahhhggg… Errr…. Damn!
I mean, I thought I knew it cold when I left the house, but between then and now I totally lost it.
And I’d stand there like a deer in the headlights, no idea what to say to her.
(Insert uncomfortable pause here…)
You thought you were all prepared after reading all my cool advice and tips, but now you’re sitting in that uncomfortable silence while she stares at you, waiting for SOMETHING to come out of your mouth.
Finally she says, “Uh, I gotta get back to my friends…”
And then, as she’s walking away, and you’re kicking yourself…
You suddenly come up with the PERFECT thing you should have said.
AAAAAAAHHHHH! Too late.
Ever had that happen to you?
Well, let’s conquer this problem once and for all.
ENTER THE “SITUATIONAL REHEARSAL…”
Here’s a technique I used to use to make sure I was really prepared to USE all the cool stuff I had memorized when learning how to talk to women.
NOTE: I’m not advising you to learn and rehearse someone else’s words! Don’t be a copy cat.
You should ONLY be coming up with things of your own that are TRUE to talk with women about. No fake stories or lying. You don’t need to make stuff up or use someone else’s words to be interesting to women.
You see, I found out that just sitting at home on my couch reading this stuff on my computer wasn’t enough. I had to practice some of the things out loud.
But even that was not enough, so I tried something a little different and off the wall.
And it worked like a champ!
Here’s my technique for being prepared and NOT losing it in front of a woman…
I’m assuming that you’ve walked up and said “Hi” or some other opener to get the conversation started. I’ve taught you plenty of methods in these newsletters, and you can find more in my Approach Women NOW program.
And, as you know, it’s not what you open with that’s important, but what you say NEXT that will make the difference.
How To Talk To Women, Without Saying Too Much…
How do you keep it going with all the stuff you want to talk about?
Here’s what you do first…
How to talk to women – STEP 1: CREATE YOUR OWN BRIDGE
A conversational bridge is a way of bringing up a topic that you want to steer the conversation towards.
Let’s say you know you want to talk about your passions and interests with a woman, and you’ve thought of a great way to bring it up and talk about it. And, let’s say your passion is photography.
You have a couple ways you could bring it up in conversation, like:
“You know, I was just thinking as I’m looking at you that you would make a fantastic subject for photography. Have you ever thought about doing a sitting?”
(Note that I did NOT use any corny lines about “you should be a model.”)
You could also bring it up without focusing on her by saying:
“I was out scouting locations for some photos today. The light here is really fantastic for bringing out skin tones and eye color. Isn’t it great?”
(I don’t have time to cover it here, but showing this kind of “vision” of the world is VERY at-tractive to women.)
Okay, so now we’ve got a couple ways to bring up our interests in conversation, without bragging AND at the same time communicating to a woman that you’ve got a hobby in your life that brings out your passion.
Maybe you’ve got some great questions to ask, and things to say that you think of when you’re at home, but now you need to have it ready all the time, like a loaded gun.
You want to be able to come up with this when you’re out and about, but you find yourself constantly forgetting it when the pressure is on.
Here’s your next step…
How to talk to women – STEP 2: ENGAGE YOUR MODALITIES
Modalities are simply your senses. Sight, smell, hearing, taste, and touch.
The more of your senses you use, the quicker things are embedded in your mind.
So you want to spend some time before you go out writing these words down, whether it’s the questions you want to ask, or just a list of topics you want to bring up in conversation.
This will engage your “kinesthetic” modality.
Then you want to spend some time saying the words out loud. This will help you rehearse and say things smoothly, and it also engages your “auditory” modality.
And you also want to spend some time reviewing things on paper. Read and re-read the phrases and information you want to commit to memory. This will engage your “visual” modality.
But even this is not enough for most of us. You need ONE extra simple step to make this work, and it’s something that not many guys know about.
I’ve got a special method that increases your results about 1000%.
You need to…
How to talk to women – STEP 3: ENGAGE “SITUATIONAL REHEARSAL” TECHNIQUE
Back when I was in high school, I used to have a good method of learning material I needed for tests. You probably did, too.
I would cram all my notes on a piece of paper with facts, writing stuff everywhere, and in every direction. On the margins, sideways, whatever.
Then, when it came time to study for a test on dates and names and memorized facts, I would just sit down with the page and cover up sections with my hand and try to recall the information.
Well, we all did this in some way or another with our notes. What you don’t realize is that you weren’t learning the information as much as you were learning WHERE that information was on the paper.
You got locked into recalling the information based on WHERE it was, not WHAT it was.
So when you get a fact or information that you can’t see on a piece of paper, you would forget it fast. (Which is why it’s so easy to forget names. We’re not paying attention to it enough the first time, and there’s nothing to anchor it in our heads.)
That’s right, it wasn’t the information you were learning as much as giving your brain a LOCATION for that information. It’s called “spatial relationship,” and it’s how your mind stores information.
It’s more important to give a RELATIONSHIP to the information to make it stick.
More Stuff You Need To Know About Talking To Women…
Right now, if you close your eyes, chances are you can recall where almost everything is in your bedroom, or another room in your apartment that you are very familiar with.
Here’s how you use “Situational Rehearsal” technique. It’s based on the way your brain really learns.
And you’ll get at least 10 times better retention and recall of information if you use it…
In my previous example, you came up with a great way to talk about photography, your passion. And you came up with a great way to actually SAY it to a woman. You may even have some of my “Power Questions” that you want to memorize to use.
Now you have to practice recalling these things in MANY different locations, and in many different situations.
You would want to do stuff like:
– Recall and recite the words when you’re in the shower.
– Call your home voicemail and recite it back as a message.
This one is great. It will put you “on the spot” – AND it will give you a chance to review how you said it later. You can do this with your cell phone voicemail, too.
– Recall and recite when you’re driving in the car.
– Recall the words when you’re watching a television show, as if you’re saying it to the people on the screen.
– Recall and recite when you’re out on a city street. (Just whisper it so that people don’t think you’re crazy.)
But if you REALLY want to improve by leaps and bounds in your inner and outer game of conversation, here’s a KILLER bonus technique:
– Put a bluetooth headset on (or any cell phone earpiece so it looks like you’re talking on your phone). Then, go out and recite what it is you’re memorizing when you’re out in public on a city street or in a store.
Don’t worry, other people will just assume you’re talking to someone on your cell phone. But this method will help you get over your fear of looking foolish in front of other people.
AND it gives you a killer rehearsal for saying it in front of a woman. You get your shyness out of the way, and you build confidence in the process.
(I used to do this all the time, and make up some pretty crazy conversations to see if I could get people around me to listen in. “He hit the cop with a baseball bat??? No WAY!” Try it sometime… it’s better than prank phone calling.)
The point of this is that you must get out there and put yourself in as many DIFFERENT situations where you have to recall the information you’re trying to memorize.
The more situations you find to rehearse in, the better you’ll be when it counts – in front of a woman.
By using my technique, you activate millions more neurons in your brain, which commits the words DEEP into your memory. And then this helps you pull out the words when you really need to, and you won’t have any of those embarrassing gaps and silences in your conversations with women.
I’ll be back again soon with more tips and techniques for you…