Interview With Carlos Xuma July 2011
And you’ll get to read it here first! As part of the deal though, Joe asked me not to reveal the business magazine’s name (as I’m not supposed to publish the interview before the magazine is published or he’ll be in trouble). So I’ll respectfully grant him his wish.
Now let’s do some interviewing already! Remember, this is a business magazine so we might talk about some non dating-related things. Nevertheless, I think it has become a very entertaining and insightful interview…
Joe: Alright Carlos. Welcome. I’m glad you took a couple minutes of your time to sit down with us. Now tell me: what kind of business challenges does a respect dating coach such as yourself face? So what’s the biggest obstacle to overcome in the dating industry?
Carlos: I have to be frank here and say that the very first thing that comes to mind is the garbage that’s put out there by not so respectable dating coaches. Their advice that’s built on circle argumentation that supports itself (i.e. the grass is green because the grass says so) rather than the truth confuses a lot of guys that then come to me, I have to “re-program” them, and only then can I show them how to get more results with women in the real world.
For example, there are a billion different views on (after you get a woman’s phone number) when to call her, but none of these views provides the evidence to back up what it is claiming.
The same goes for when to call after a first date by the way.
I think the reason why people consider me to be a respectable dating coach is because I DO provide evidence. I tell guys the reasons why something does or does not work. Let’s go back to the when to call her situation for example.
It’s a bad idea to wait several days before you call a woman after getting her number, because she’ll start doubting whether you have a genuine interest in her or if she was just a random pick up. Some women even consider it as playing games and start to think “two can play that game”, you know? What’s more, the average attractive woman is approached by guys in one way or another every single day…
And what makes you say she still remembers you after several days, especially when you met her in a club or bar and there was liquor involved? That’s why I say: call after one day, because that’s both not playing games AND not being too desperate (which scares women away.
Joe: Thanks for the detailed explanation. I’ve noticed how you give very thorough, in-depth information built on pretty solid arguments while others provide fluffy, meaningless tips, so kudos for that. Now I know there are a lot of entrepreneurial spirits out there who feel like they don’t have the time to date someone in between running a business. Do you have any advice for them?
Carlos: Of course I do! After all, I’m an entrepreneurial spirit myself. The major obstacle that prevents most business owners from dating around is time. Every entrepreneur knows time is more precious than money… and you simply don’t have time to sober up after a night at a local bar or club. You don’t have the time to meet women on the streets or in malls and stores either, so the best thing a business owner can do is to date women online.
The best way to go for the entrepreneur is and always will be online dating, because it allows you to meet someone in only a couple of minutes, you can do it anywhere and at any time, and you can do it while having lunch or dinner or whenever you have a couple minutes to spare. I mean, try meeting a woman in a bar with a hot plate on your lap.
Joe: Haha that’s certainly true. So let’s stick with online dating for a second. What are the best tips you can give a business owner that wants to meet women online?
Carlos: Watch out for other people’s online date tips, simply because most of them are based on opinion instead of fact.
For example, the “build it and they will come” myth of how you only need a profile to start meeting women online is just that: a myth. Just like in the real world, women don’t chase men. It’s the other way around. You still have to approach women online, which is what some of the “experts” seem to be forgetting.
Plus, I haven’t heard a single soul talk about why you do NOT want to create a generic, random profile that tries to cater to all types of women. Think about it: try to be liked by everyone and you’re only liked so so by some. Same goes for online dating. If you want to date women online, then you need to write a profile that attracts YOUR type of woman.
Do you like Latinas? Put some photos of you in Mexico on your profile, use some Spanish words here and there, talk about what it is that you like about the Latin culture, music or language. That won’t attract non-Latinas, but Latinas will notice.
Joe: Makes sense. So what is the first step an entrepreneur needs to take if he/she wants to start dating people?
Carlos: Regardless of whether you’re a business owner or not, you need to start improving self confidence.
You can’t love someone if you don’t love yourself. And you also can’t achieve anything in the dating game if you don’t know yourself. For example, playful teasing sparks the chemistry between you and a woman. That’s the case because by teasing her, you show that you’re not impressed by her looks whereas other guys are. That makes you different (interesting) and them predictable (boring). But if you SUCK at telling jokes? If no one has ever accused you of having a sense of humor, then don’t even bother trying to learn how to tease women. It won’t work.
That’s one of the reasons why you need to know yourself before you can get to know more women.
Joe: It’s like the marketing process: before you get to know your ideal customer, you need to know what your strengths and weaknesses are. Then you can cater to that customer by emphasizing a certain strength.
Carlos: That’s right.
Joe: I’ve heard you talk about how women aren’t attracted to materialistic things, which is something most business owners (who have a higher than average income, car, home, etc.) would be interested in hearing more about…
Carlos: Yeah I hate to break it to all you business owners out there, but when any one of you asks me how do you get girls to like you… I’ll never say just throw around some cash.
That might work with gold diggers and women who are looking for a man to marry for “security” (financial security that is), but it doesn’t work with real women. You see, women are attracted to a man’s personality and his charisma. In short, his character. Because they fall for that, they assume at a young age that men think the same… but as they get older they find out that’s definitely not the case.
Meanwhile, men are attracted to youth, physique, beauty, so physical stuff. Materialistic stuff. Because of that they assume women like the same things, but most guys never find out that it’s not true. They pursue a well-paying job, a home, a car, and all of that… not knowing women want something else.
It’s where the whole battle of the sexes comes from, isn’t it? It’s the reason there’s such a thing as an economy I think haha! But you don’t learn how to get with a girl by learning how to get money. It’s as simple as that.
Joe: That must be a brutal truth to hear for most male entrepreneurs haha! All joking aside though, if I were to point out an attractive girl/woman to you… what would you do to make her like you? In other words, if you could give the steps a guy needs to take to get a woman’s number then what would those steps be?
Carlos: You want me to explain to business owners how to get that girl they like? No problem. It doesn’t matter if she’s that girl next door, a female colleague or a “random” woman. The process stays the same.
First off, walk up to her and say “Hi.” Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to use tricks or gimmicks to approach women successfully. Why? Because it’s not what you say, but how you respond to what they say.
To make things real here, let’s say you meet a woman at the elevator of some company. That would be a good situation for asking her where she’s going. Of course her answer will either be up or down, so you can create attraction by teasing her how she’s lazy because most people climb the ladder of success while she wants to take the elevator (when she’s going up)… OR… ask her if she really believes she’s going to hell for all the bad stuff she has done because she looks like such a nice girl (when she’s going down).
Do you see what I’m doing here? I used wordplay to tease her.
Secondly, tell her you’re rude for not introducing yourself, then introduce yourself and ask her what her name is. What you’re doing here is mocking yourself so she knows you’re not an arrogant guy who likes to bash on women, no, you’re just having fun in a non-serious way.
Then, tease her some more with where she’s going (up or down) but make her feel comfortable to. Bond a little, by asking where she works, how long, if she really likes it (and tease her that she’s already lying to you so you’re worried where things go from here with her).
Last but not least: tell her you’d like to continue the conversation another time and tell her to give you her number and give her yours (saying you’re giving it so she knows you’re not a creepy stalker weirdo or something similarly funny).
This all takes place over the course of 2 or 3 minutes. And in short, the “business” process here is: start the conversation => create attraction => connect with her => close the deal. Most of the time starting a playful conversation and connecting with her is already enough to get her digits.
As you can see: meeting women is not that hard if you relax and have fun.
Joe: Thanks for your time Carlos!
Carlos: No problem. Thanks for having me.
To More Dating Success,
Win With Women