Carlos Xuma Interview July 2011

This Carlos Xuma interview was done over the phone by my good friend Christopher as part of his research for a new self help book that’s coming out later this year. He has generously accepted my request to publish a text version of it right here on the blog.

Chris asks all the questions in this interview, I answer, and I’ll end this interview with some final thoughts as a special favor for all you blog readers out there to teach you a little more about women and the dating game than everybody else gets taught.

So, here we go!

Chris: Thanks for doing this interview with me Carlos. Your advice is powerful self help stuff with a dating sauce poured over it so I can’t wait to get started!

Carlos: Powerful self help stuff with a dating sauce poured over it? Haha good one! I need to remember that one… but no problem dude 🙂

Let’s start.

Chris: Okay, how did you yourself start with learning how to meet and date women?

Carlos: Uhm it was around 7 or 8 years ago that I started to try and date women online.

Maybe it was because I was very much into all things online at the time: me and my dad were building a website for our martial arts club for shits and giggles, I loved Youtubing for videos about scientific stuff (yeah I’m a geek alright), and so I was into the whole IT thing so starting online made sense to me.

Either that or I was scared shitless of talking to women in person haha! I think it was a bit of both.

Anyways, I started on the Dutch version of Facebook (Hyves) and I knew absolutely nothing about what women liked. All I knew was that I was good at making people laugh, so I tried to make women laugh. It didn’t take me long to figure out that women responded really well to teasing, so I started teasing them.

And you know, I’m the type of guy who gets what he wants. I will not sleep before I accomplish what I want, I will persist, I will keep on keeping on. I’ve always been like that, so back then I was on Hyves for 4-5 hours a day. Every day.

Chris: Wow, now that is persistence! That’s why you always say that you can’t beat someone who never quits huh? Well, it’s true! And did you ever look for any online dating tips?

Carlos: No not really. I’m not good with bosses telling me what to do. I’m an anti-authority type of guy who doesn’t like to be told what to do. I figure things out on my own even if it takes more effort, so no.

Looking for online date tips didn’t make sense to me because I don’t like people telling me what to do.

I did like to read a lot though. Lots of self help material, including Napoleon Hill’s classic Think And Grow Rich. It motivated me a whole freaking lot, but unfortunately it didn’t allow me to discover how to get dates. It motivated me to keep trying to get dates, but there were no clues in there, know what I mean?

Chris: Yeah I know what you mean. Most advice is very general. It points you in the right direction but doesn’t give you specific things to do in your situation. Most advice can’t do that because then a book on, say, building a business would be thousands of pages long because it needs to describe every possible situation!

Carlos: Exactly. You get it!

Chris: So when did you figure out how to get that girl you liked on Hyves? Did you also try other sites by the way?

Carlos: I figured out how to get that girl with some hardcore experimentation man haha! I sat down and was like okay, what are all the possible things a woman can say to me when I ask for her number online?

I could only come up with “NO” and a single reply for it where I asked for something a little more low key than her number: her MSN, because MSN Messenger was insanely popular here in Holland back then so everyone had an account.

Then, after a couple months of talking to girls on Hyves for hours on end every day, I noticed there were numerous ways to say “NO”: I don’t have a phone, I don’t give my number to strangers, no reply at all from her, I don’t want to give you my number, etc. And I simply tested different replies to all those types of “NO” until I found several that worked most of the time. Because of that I got a girl’s number most of the time. All thanks to experimentation.

And yeah I was on many sites man! Of course! I was like why put all my eggs in one basket you know? At one point, I was on 8 different sites at once. Hyves, Netlog,,, (all social networks), and some dating sites too.

Chris: So you basically discovered how to get with a girl because you applied the business principle of “always be testing”? Is that true, because that’s brilliant man.

Carlos: All I have to say about how to get with a girl at this point is this: you’ll be surprised by how many business principles can be applied to the dating game 😉

But yeah, I used split testing to meet women online. I sent response A to the same number of women as response B and I would then count how many times women replied positively to each response. To make the numbers reliable I decided to test each one on 30 different women. The response with the highest number of positive replies won and I tested that against another response until I had one that worked, like 80% of the time. Now that’s a business-like approach to dating. That’s how desperate I was back then haha!

Chris: Brilliant, just brilliant. I always knew you had a sharp business sense. Okay, I think I know the answer to this one already but how important is one’s confidence when meeting and dating women?

Carlos: Your confidence is everything, because if you don’t love yourself… then how can you love women? You need to feel comfortable in your own skin before you can let others feel comfortable you know. That means being proud of what you can do. Everyone has something a woman can fall in love with. For example, my charisma is well-known among both my blog readers and the women I meet. I always have this certain energy… this vibe… and it excites people.

You yourself, you’re incredibly social. I’m willing to bet you that everyone you know more than a day reveals all their dirtiest secrets to you. You’re just like that: you make people feel really comfortable, feel like they can talk about everything with you, and that would be your “dating superpower” haha.

And guys that don’t know their own strengths make the dating game unnecessarily difficult for themselves, but you can work on your weaknesses all you want… but then you’ll get mediocre at doing those things at best. But when you work on your strengths? Success comes to you much faster.

So, in short, improving self confidence not only involves feeling good about yourself. No. It also entails knowing yourself. You can only know other people when you know yourself, because then you can relate. Know what I’m saying?

Chris: Knowledge of others stems from knowledge of self… that’s deep man. You should become a poet or something. Okay, can you tell me how you use that knowledge of self and/or of others to get girls to like you? So how do you get girls to like you?

Carlos: A few things come to mind. First off, always communicate with women from a sense of endless self-respect. If that sounds deep or complicated, here are some examples of how to do that:

– When a girl rejects you, it’s her problem. She’s missing out on having a great time and getting to know an amazing person. So, always walk away from a conversation where you don’t get a number by keeping the honor to yourself. It’s her choice, her opinion not to like you. Opinions are not facts, so let it slide off of you

– When a girl, even if you just met her, does something you don’t accept? Confront her with it and if she doesn’t listen to you, be willing to walk away. The only way women will stay with you is by respecting yourself. By not taking shit. No second class behavior is accepted, know what I’m saying?

– When a girl is wasting your time by saying she’s always busy or being vague, don’t accept it. Go meet other girls. Never wait for ANY girl. Either get her now and get someone else, because I know dozens of guys who wasted months or years waiting for a girl that never ended up dating them…

That’s how you get the girl. No compromises. No special treatment for anyone.

Chris: Yeah I think men caving in to what women want is a big problem and it does more harm than good. Do you feel online dating, texting and calling or completely different worlds when compared to meeting women in bars? What do you teach guys who want to know about one of these ways of meeting women?

Carlos: Right. Well, it doesn’t matter if you’re into online dating or want to know how to text girls. Because the dating game doesn’t change, only the field you’re playing on does.

Let’s use football (NFL) as a metaphor here. There are different stadiums a quarterback gets to play in, but he’s always the quarterback and that means he needs to do certain stuff and make sure he doesn’t do certain stuff no matter what field he plays on, what stadium he plays in. On the other hand, same stadiums have different grass which might alter the game a bit… and different teams have different styles of playing. So the quarterback might use certain tactics against the Dallas Cowboys that he doesn’t use against the Baltimore Ravens.

Translate that to the dating game. There are different stadiums (texting, online, calling, face-to-face) that a man can meet women in, but no matter what “stadium”… he will always be a man. That means he needs to take the lead with every woman, he needs to approach her. And if he wants to attract her, he needs to display character traits like dominance, being mysterious, being challenging, etc. no matter where he plays. On the other hand, different teams (locations) have different styles of playing. So the man can use around a dozen areas of his profile on Facebook to attract women with, while he can only use 3 or 4 on dating sites like so each “team” requires different tactics. And different kinds of grass have unique tactics. Translated to the dating game it means text messages work on text and emoticons, while face-to-face communication works with voice tone, body language, and more.

So, the game remains the same. Only the stadiums, teams, and grass changes. Know what I mean?

Chris: That’s a really powerful metaphor. Very insightful. Makes a lot of sense! How about asking girls out? How do you feel about that?

Carlos: Uhm, contrary to popular belief how you ask a girl out doesn’t really matter. I mean, you can tell her to meet you at place XYZ, invite her to come join you and friends, you can tell her you want to talk like normal people do (which is face-to-face), and so on and so forth.

Sure, in some situations it matters, but the most important thing to know is when to ask a girl out.

I mean, the more days you wait with asking her out after meeting her? The more difficult it becomes. Wait too long and you ruined your chances. Don’t wait and risk scaring girls away because you’re too needy.

And when you want to ask her out, can you tell she’s alone or with other people when you ask? Stuff like that matters. But, as always, I discuss every aspect of all this on the Win With Women blog.

Chris: So in a way, good things come to those that wait, but only the things left by the hustlers right? Your tips really are self help but from a dating perspective Carlos. Anyways, thanks for taking the time to do this interview. Talk to you soon buddy!

Carlos: Hey, if you say so. I still think my dating tips are my dating tips and that’s it haha. And no problem man because I love hearing myself talk. Just kidding!

That’s the end of the interview people!

In retrospect, I really want you to think about the football metaphor I gave Chris. Why? Because most regular guys like you and me get confused by all the options. All the little details: how should you act when you meet women in bars? What do you do when texting? What do you do when to meet women online successfully?

The truth is: the same as you always do. Remember, the quarterback is still a quarterback no matter which stadium he plays in, no matter on what kind of grass, and no matter which team he’s playing against. Same goes for the dating game: certain character traits always work no matter how you talk to women. Texting, online, calling, face-to-face. Doesn’t matter. Just be confident, be dominant, be mysterious, and playfully tease.

And always be testing!

To More Dating Success,

Carlos Xuma
Win With Women